Under Rehab

I have two hobbies which rival for attention constantly. Painting and Writing. I think it is time I come to terms with the fact that I am not just a Painter, nor am I just a Writer. I think my blog needs to show that.

Soon I'll do a bit of a rehab on it - probably change the name a bit and have the address be more about my name and less about the type of hobby/profession.

In related news: I have a new email. Since Deirdre Randall was taken, my soon to be married name is now in use.  Anybody who needs to reach me can now do so at: deirdre.randall.puff@gmail.com my old email, vindictive-librarian@hotmail.com is still up but I am slowly going to be cycling that out (though damn it was fun to have!)

So while I am not necessarily under construction, I am under rehab (no, not the celebrity way!) so see you on the other side! (which probably isn't that far away)

Sincerly

A couple entries ago (now deleted) I went on a rant about a situation I found myself in with a friend and her boyfriend.  I ranted and raved, and though I edited until only a summary the hurt was still spread through the Internet.

I started this blog to have my say put out in the world, to start a "platform" and though my adventure is early I have found myself wavering. I wanted to be able to share my life's experiences, ask for help, talk about writing, painting and all my other hobbies, and share.

But I have over-shared. With that entry I became my own version of a blog terrorist. Bombing one person and taking everyone with me.

This is my formal apology to that friend for all I said that hurt her. This is my formal apology to anyone who reads my blog for straying from the path so early on in my adventure.

But there is something to be learnt from this. Bloggers have a point. This is not my livejournal or diaryland account. This is not my online diary where I can spill my hurt and pain and anger, no this is not high school. This is a blog, this is my shout out to to world that I should have attention paid to me. I have a point in what I am trying to do, and every post should go towards that point, just like the chapters of a novel. Only this one doesn't end.

I also need to learn to be what I would want to read. I don't want to read some angsty teenager bitch about how much life sucks and everybody is out to get them, no I want to read hilarious escapades or shades of life. If I want to read of heartbreak, I want to read it in its writhing, honest pain, not in a melodramatic portrayal of it.

So, though I know I will have many side trips into wedding planning and my life, I hope to get on track and enlist interest once again.

T minus 3 months

Three Months!

THREE FREAKING MONTHS! Till the wedding!

I know there is so much to do,but I just can't put my finger on what exactly all that is.

Until my sister in law starts talking to me about it, then its suddenly right there smack dab in my face that ohmygoshthereissomuchtodo!

So all who have been married out there, should I do my wedding favors now? I have them cut out they just need to be folded up and have candy stuffed into them. Now or closer to? Ugh

Quick update cause I'm sick and my brain can't think past the mush that my brain has now become. ugh.

Writing vs. Painting - the battle of the hobbies

Here I am. I have found myself confused. Very, very confused.

I have always loved writing. But with the onslaught of writers block I have found myself turning to a secondary love: Painting.

It's one of those things I do to relax, that I enjoy, and now that I can make some extra cash from. 

I like photography as well, but my skills are on a purely hobby basis. Same with knitting and sewing/cross stitching. To say I am creative would be apt.

Writing has always been a first and formost love, but I have never been able to power through the first draft through to 2nd or 3rd edits. I usually get stuck at 1st edits and move on to something else.

This has happened in the past, my current WIP which is sitting in my bedside table awaiting me, has taken me a year and a half (2 summers) to get to this point. This point being half way through edit 1 (which is quite painful). Because of this I am now switching gears again. Art comes to my rescue and I'm suddenly looking at being an Artist.

I am a Writer, I am an Artist and I have to be a Legal Secretary. It is clear I cannot concentrate on both my passions at the same time, so I guess I am stuck spending my life switching between the two.

What does this mean for my blog? Should I keep changing the title or have another one for painting? There will be lulls of months at a time where I cannot  write in one for the other is my current obsession. Right now I think I will remain here. Atleast I am writing, when I am writing my blog. So even if my obsession is painting, I am still putting in a bit of time on my dear writing. Right?

Tomorrow is quite exciting for me as 3 pieces will be going to good homes. 2 commisioned for a birthday and personal and another bought from my personal collection (heh doesn't that just sound cool).

The second of the two commisions isn't even done yet, but I am confident as it is more my personal style. Sky and Ocean and Island and quote. Like I have said before, if it had a dead tree it would be my signature.  I leave you with the first completion from the two commisions. A young tiger playing with fishies.  

Updatetizzle

This last blog I did was a big ol' rant of hate and anger, so lets flip it around and try something different? Mayhaps whining because i am sick... AGAIN! and have had multiple nosebleeds, cause that's just what happens to me when I am sick.

Ok, maybe that's not a poler opposite from the prev entry. Well than what is? Happy go-lucky is hard to find in a mucus fogged brain.

So I guess I can't uplift all of our spirits.

Tonight I get to watch I am number Four with oldest niece who is rapidly turning into a best friend of mine. Also I am planning on sneaking in more True Blood - cause I'm an addict now.

Tomorrow I have to hunker down and put out a painting. I am half way through 1 but I need 2 done by Friday. The first one I started on Friday, but the eyes of the tiger frustrated me so I have given it some time apart (especially since I need to paint over it - so it needed to dry). I am looking forward to painting number 2 as it is more along my style, if only there was a dead tree in it it would be signature me.

And because my number one customer/supporter extraordinaire bought my Four Seasons set of paintings  I will have 3 pieces going to a good home this week. Wootage!

Update from the crypt o' sick

I've been sick. Can you forgive me blog world? Of course you can.

Tuesday I was so sick I went home early, Wednesday I stayed home sick and stuffed Vitamin C into me. Thursday I was better, Today I hardly need any cough drops. Woot. Fastest cold in a while.

Because I've been sick I haven't worked out, I haven't written, I have sat in front of the TV and watched True Blood season 1 and 2 (almost done). Um I love True Blood now. Just sayin'.

The only good part (not really) about being sick is that the only thing I could eat was soup. Soup has low calories. So i can get away (because I slept most of the day) only eating 240 cal in bowls of soup! Yeah that would be fine if it wasn't for the fact that the minute I start feeling better I run for the nachos with extra cheese and sour cream (yum) but good news is that I didn't eat the whole thing. I left quite a bit more than I usually would. Is my stomach getting smaller? Am I finally learning to eat slower? Who knows.

This was just a quick update so you wouldn't forget about me.

Ps: Andrew may have a job. He went to orientation at Nikita Drilling and had to do a physical test and pee test 'n all sorts of other things. He hears today. So please interwebz friends, cross your fingers and toes my Andrew gets a job that pays lots and lotsa moola!

Auntie Nobody

Ever had one of those moments when you feel like the absolute worst version of yourself? Yeah, I do too.
I had a moment like that on Saturday. Hear I am sitting at my nephews first birthday party, surrounded by people I don't know and there is my nephew, just chilling, crawling around - happy as can be, and he doesn't know me.  Last time I saw him he couldn't crawl, let alone pull himself up to stand. And all of these strangers know him better than me.  Hell I don't even know what to say to my own sister!  We've never been what you could call close.

I have two half sisters, both older than me - yep I'm the baby! - and both on either side of the family tree (one for dad, one for mom) Angie is mom's Kendra is dad's. Angie and me had a great relationship, especially when I got older. But Angie and I are not talking right now, technically I'm not allowed to talk to my nieces but I try to anyway. Kendra and me have never been super close. I never confided in Kendra, and though she was around more in my childhood - we were very very different.

I'm quite different from both sisters, which is one of the reasons I am not on speaking terms with Angie.

Not being close with Kendra has never overly bothered me. We were just two different people, and she didn't seem to have an overwhelming need to be close with me, so I didn't either. Maybe because I am minus a sister at the moment do I now feel the need to solidify our bond.

So here I am, in this crowd of people with small children and toddlers running around and I am totally at a loss for what to do. I am not used to family functions where I don't know the family.  I turn into the loner in the corner - the person I try so hard not to be - because I just don't know what to do. Let me tell you, being at a one year old's birthday and being one of 2 people who hasn't given birth is hard - and the other person had her boyfriend, something I am lacking because he is in another province. So I had nobody to talk amongst myself with.

And this whole time I'm just marvelling at how damn cute this kid is and oh my god how he has grown. And holy cow this came out of Kendra, and he is so well mannered (for a one year old) and damn I'm just so impressed.

After everything was said and done, and I found a comfy seat to sit in while mothers packed up their hoard s of children and started carting them to vehicles I sat and pondered on my 5th time aunthood. This is the first nephew, I have had nothing but nieces - 4 to be exact. All of which I have been very close with their mothers (Angie and my sister in law). I realized how much of a failure I was because it had literally been two seasons since the last time I saw him. Time passes fast, but that is no excuse for me to be a crappy aunt and above all a crappy sister.

I finally got to hold the nephew dearest and though only his blanket kept him from crying I felt resolved to see him more.

Now knowing me, as I do, I know that I am queen of procrastinating and that I can make excuses until the Apocalypse comes but I hope I can see them more often, I hope one day that kid will know me and be happy to see me.

I leave you with some photos of the cake eating competition he had with himself. Mostly it involved throwing the cake and digging a whole through it, but it was damn cute!

A guest appearance from the Franticly Writing Bride - a.k.a. Deirdre

So this is going to be a quick post while I gear up for the weekend while waiting for Friday day to be done.

Drum roll please! We have officially ordered and have on the way the flower girl dress! Yes! I am a bit nervous cause I bought it on e-bay. But thank you sellers in china for selling me a full flower girl dress for $0.99. chya. Shipping is all of $12.00 so pretty good deal overall.  No this dress is Ivory, with an A-line. Will have a Plum sash that hopefully matches the Bridesmaid dresses, but if not we will take some hemings from some of the shorter maids and make that a sash.

And if I hate that dress, there is always a backup. A silk (look a like) plum dress, which in the picture looks almost identical in color to the maids) (yep, I'm just going to keep calling em maids from now on, maybe go onto maidens, just for the hell of it) similar style with a a bow (well possibility) but its shiny vs the maids (hehe) that are mat from the other layer of see through stuff on top. :) I'm too excited to use the proper fabric terms.

So yay!

So next week I expect to get this bundle of joy (not baby) and you can hear me gushing on and on or ranting on and on.

So for the rest of this weekend, I will be: meeting up with the wonderful woman who is going to be doing our cake and cupcakes to chat about said cake and cupcakes. Which I found two super cute designs I like (see below)

Obviously I would like A & D on there or a P for Andrew's, and soon to be my own, last name. or I guess a heart or something, but initials would be cuter.

 I loved this cake! Of course we are not having a huge cake, but rather having lots of cupcakes and one small cake to do the cutting and for wedding party to chow down on. So in having only one cake I looooooove love love the middle tear. The quilted look. With our plum colors! Ugh to die for! Right?  *Squee!* way too excited!

So then I am moving on to hair, since I have my handy dandy drive here with all my wedding stuff (err some of it) I have the two hair styles I am undecided between. I want something classy, not too fussy, but still elegant. So I am stuck between two basically the same hair styles.

I think I would rather have my hair over one shoulder so I can also then hide in the back some kind of headpiece possible with a flower and/or beading with netting (mom got me one that is minus the netting but I may add it)

It all falls down to the Angelina hairstyle, which honestly I am in love with and think is 100% the winner.

So there we have it. A quick update that was hastily written so I can get all my wedding excitement out in one burst (ya right)

The rest of my weekend, since I was originally talking about that, involves seeing my very cute newly 1 year old nephew, who I do not see nearly enough! I am actually pretty excited to see this little guy, and I know I'll be a bit sad he wont have this bone deep recognition that "omg that's auntie!" but oh wells. He's only one, that can come later right?

Then I will be off to racquetball and to work my but off! I had a seriously amazing work out yesterday. I have been somewhat worried because I haven't yet been sore. My abs are a bit sore after I put my all into yesterday's workout. So looks like I'm actually going somewhere.

So yeah.

That's my weekend.

At some point I plan on painting a set of 4 paintings as well. Small and rectangular with a sunset/sunrise/sky and a yoga pose in silhouette (yeah i know, I did a Love themed one, a seasons one, and now yoga. but what can i say? I'm a sucker for silhouettes!)

So Happy weekend to you all. Please come back when I am at my normal and less giddy and frantic in my writing. I promise it will happen soon. ~.^

The almost, but not really, writers block

Is what I am going through writers block or just a lack of initiative?

I have a scene that I would say is a transitional scene. I sit there with a blank sheet trying to figure out how to get from what I wrote and where it needs to go, and I can't do it. It is almost like it bores me. It must be there right?
We need to know how this woman became stronger, right?

On top of this all I miss writing, straight up writing for the joy and getting a new idea out there. Granted it can be somewhat intimidating when you start diving into the literary social pool, but that's was not the case before nor is it now. But why can't I write? because it's been a while since I've started a story. I have left off and continued this WIP for a year a half (long by any standards). Maybe I forget how to? I'm not too sure.

Even as I say that last statement it doesn't ring true to me. As I write this now I have a scene building itself in my head. It's been waiting there for a while as I refuse to write something while there is another on the go. Names and characters get mixed up and then I imagine the editing gets to hard. See I have never tried. But judging by how long and laborious this first edit is taking, maybe it will be just normal, like how it is now.

I'm also a little intimidated by the scene building in my head - it's sort of paranormal, again something I am not used to. A new genre to delve into (well not exactly as I read paranormal romance all the time) but it's new for me to write.

So I am off to watch TV and let the idea fester (notes have already been made).

Excuse Me

Oh my poor, poor blog! I have been lacking in my attention to you this past week. But I have excuses reasons, I swear!

1. I have been too busy.
1. When I am at work, my boss is here giving me work so I can't slack off write delectable stories for you.
2. Aside from that when I am at home I am either busy keeping my mind of Andrew being gone, or doing some chore that I have been putting off for a year.
3. That is unless it is Monday, Wednesday or Saturday - in which case I am playing Racquetball and pumping iron (not really iron, it's like hydraulics and there's buttons and its awesome!)
2. I don't have anything interesting to write. OK that one is sort of a lie. I do, but with time constraints I don't want to rush it out and leave a less than spectacular blog entry sitting on the Internet (yes I realize I have done this a few times now)
3. I'm all bummed and end up going on and on about how much I miss Andrew and my life is, like, over until I see him again *eye roll*
4. That's actually all the excuses reasons I can think of right now.

It's not you, it's me. But just so you know, I'm going to try a lot harder! I'm going to try and nurse some amazing blog entry all day long, so that by the end of the day I have something worthwhile to put out there, something to make you proud of me, dearest blog.

Now, can I please go on to talk about more wedding stuff? No? Too bad, I'm the one doing the typing!

I have a wedding dress, this I have known for a while, but now I have a wedding dress that is being sized, and will be able to do up all the way because it will have all loops needed! 

Then mom surprised me last night with a headband with this SUPER cute flowery feathery thinger that I will remove so it can go in my hair (the flowery thing, not the headband) and maybe I will try a craft day thing and add some netting so it looks a bit more ol' school.

And invitations are DONE! hells yes! Though I keep remembering that there are people I forgot to add to the list, like my dad's best friend.

And all this talk about wedding stuff reminds me of our budget. Yes, that thing that has been like Marmee Noir ** lurking over my dreams and head like a nightmare/monster.  Well I figured out that we have it pretty good. The biggest expense we may have is food (well and the DJ, but can't do anything about that) so if the whole Andrew-work-in-Alberta deal doesn't work then we can always just suggest a potluck. Worked for my mom. And yeah it's not classy, but the important thing is Andrew and I, not the food, necessarily.

Speaking of Andrew and Alberta, looks like things are getting a bit better - he's taking 2 courses out there that he needs to work on the oil rigs. He'll be done them come the end of the week and can then call rigs he has already spoken to about jobs. This is exciting. I have very, very high hopes.

Speak of high hopes, which reminds me of wishes - wish me luck on pushing through this one part of my manuscript. As I mentioned before I am stuck, not blocked, but not excited to move forward. I guess it's the starting of being blocked. I may have to move past and hope that I can remedy it in the 2nd round of edits.

**Marmee Noir is a bad lady in Laurell K Hamilton's Anita Blake series

Edits, Tailors, and Exercise

Bum da da dum!

We met the tailor this morning. She is ah-mazing! We figured out that if we add crinoline to the dress that we may not even have to hem in! heck yes! that saves the awesome embroidery at the bottom as well as makes the resale better a bit better.

I then went to the gym and played a pretty decent game of racquetball then went up stairs to the cardio room where they have weight machines as well. And you know what? they have like BRAND NEW MACHINES. yes the old YMCA has brand new machines, newer in fact then our leisure center (which is where everybody goes when they want to check out other people 19 and under) but these machines at the Y had BUTTONS. Yeah that's right, you heard me, buttons. On the end of each handle there was a button, one to make the weight heavier, one to lessen it. There was also a little screen that told me what the weight was and how many reps i have done. Oh em gee, that brought my exercise to a whole nother game. I had  both hands ahead of me pressing buttons and imagining myself on some sort of star wars speed racer. Yeah my arms a bit sore, but it was fun.

Then there was editing. Last night I was editing for the first few times in a while. I edited and then I got stuck. I am at a scene that needs to be rewritten. There's a lot that needs to be added to it, but its boring to me. That shouldn't be good that what I need to write bores me? Its a transition chapter, needs the passing of time. But I want it to be fun, its supposed to be fun - my character is supposed be having fun, feeling strong, being single - she isn't bored with whats going on with her. So i guess I need to get in touch with why she isn't bored. I think this needs some research in fun by myself. Perfect timing with Andrew on his way to working in Alberta.

So I have my homework for my writing. have you ever had to give yourself homework for your WIP?

I leave you with a picture of Angelina Jolie, I'm thinking this style for wedding hair. Yeah, after the tailor visit my mind is still clearly stuck in wedding land!

What Genre am I?

 As we all know by now (ha) I am editing my WIP. Only problem is, the more I look at where I may want to send it (months away of course), I keep getting confused as to what "I" am.

I have always viewed myself as a Romance Writer and my WIP is definitely in that category, but it also goes past that, more of a finding one’s self novel with romantic underlays. The romance and the self discovery overlap with strong sarcasm and humor.

So what genre am I?

I found a good reference at Cuebon with a definition of each Genre.

Children’s, Horror, Short Fiction, Westerns - I definitely don’t write, so if you need that take a look at the link above. Mystery I have yet to dive into, so that as well I will leave out. What is left is what I think I could be stuck in by definition. Young Adult is sort of half there because my characters are in their young 20's and I have seen some agents mark that as young adult.

Romance might be between a hunky sailor and a fair maiden, or a cynical vampire and a scrappy werewolf, but after a lot of sparks and trials, that is what they will secure. The settings and intensity may vary, but the overall 'finding happiness together' formula is familiar indeed. (Ideally, careful research has ensured detailed accuracy.)

Young Adult tales are written for folks from about twelve to eighteen years of age. The protagonist is always of that age, as are most of the characters. He or she can live a bizarre magical life, or a dreary suburban one. There are few limits on the 'issues' dealt with, and readers will identify with the character's inner travails as well. (Adults will enjoy the better ones.)

So then there are sub genres. Fiction Factor has provided me with some sub-genre definitions for romance, which I feel most strongly that I am in. . I don’t think I am Fantasy, Futuristic, Historical, Paranormal, Regency, Suspense, Time-travel or Western for very obvious purposes.

That leaves me with:

*da da da dum*

Contemporary Romance : Romance tales set mostly in the present time, but can be categorized as taking place after the World Wars. Can (and often does) contain elements of suspense, humor, drama - or any mix thereof.

Young Adult sub genres are found at Cuebon, again, but after a careful read through of the definitions, I am obviously none of them.  Maybe Realistic Life, but that is stretching it as it is quite obviously for Teens. So that counts me out of Young Adult. I get it, Young Adult = teens, although I for vanity’s sake want to hold onto any title with "Young" in it, I must let this go. Apparently I am an adult as of 19.

So does this mean I am contemporary romance? I think so.

But Contemporary Romance is a HUGE category!

Luckily that makes research easy. Downer is it means a lot of competition. So now I can narrow down my searches for agents.

Yay! Exciting! I’ll do this search all over again when I think about my next story, but I already have an idea that it is Romance/TimeTravel/Fantasy/with Contemporary/Historical/Suspense/Paranormal aspects to it. Hmm, has that been done to death yet?

Running from the fear.

Last night I did the good thing and went to Racquetball. I felt much better for it despite the nagging headache that had followed me since yesterday morning's cry. So as is I feel much better today.

Last night I also watched Julie & Julia. It's one of those movies that makes me want to blog and write. Gives you hopes that somewhere out there some agent is reading my blog saying "This girl is freaking amazing! I need to represent her!"

So I went to bed thinking of my blog and my writing. I think, I am turning into a fair weather writer. (Proof, I think, since I didn't sit and write my inspiration, but just thought on it)

I haven't been able to work up the courage to write. I am on this precipice were I am happy, but know deep down I miss Andrew, and if I concentrate on missing him I will break down and be unable to function. I don't want that. I want to miss him, yes, cause if I don't we certainly shouldn't be getting married... but I want to still be able to enjoy life.

I want to write.

I thought that him leaving at the point I was in editing would be good. Would give me true emotions to pull from. And it should, does, can. But I am too scared to pull them out. I keep lying to myself saying that I am working up to it. But the honest truth is that I am too scared. It's too daunting.

So how do I get over this fear? Well for one I have to face it. *tries to put on tough face*

I have to get rid of my excuses. I have been the queen of excuses lately! I need to pull on my big girl pants and start editing this manuscript! It needs it. I need it!

How did you get over being intimidated by a scene or the emotions in it?