Whining, Duh

Time to be prepared for lots of moaning and whining - no not in a good sexy time way, in a why-does-this-always-happen-to-us-why-can't-we-get-a-break sort of way.

Andrew is flying home tonight. Which is YAY because I miss him, but sad because that means he's not going back to work. Turns out his old injury is still showing up and he can't do the work. Though he is still technically employed in the company, but not on the rig. So I don't know how that will work for EI, but hopefully. Now because he was making killer cash that does mean that we won't be as stressed, as this comes just after cut off time - so it's a full (almost) cheque for him. Which is pretty damn awesome. The shitty part is there's no severance because he just started.

Now in all of this I don't doubt that we will be just fine. I just wish, for once, that things would work out well. Ever since the fall we have been just above that line of struggling. And right now, the world is struggling, but damn it I want a solution! Sure we're young, and Andrew certainly didn't have the head start I did - but then I didn't have the head start a lot of kids living with mommy and daddy had either... so we're a bit behind the ideal.  I chose a career that involves lots of stress and brains, but doesn't make a lot of money - and Andrew is still searching for his career. Though he once had it and I pushed him from it. What a good wifey I am (sarcasm and self hate).

And now I am confused about all the options of "free" eduction from the government. Hello primeinister wanna-be's. If you want easy votes throw free education our way and you'll have it (add in student loan grants for me and I'll make the people I know vote)!

Looking back, I wish I had chosen a profession that could lend itself to working from home on day's off. Like being a hair stylist, or an aesthetician, or - I don't know. There isn't much of a need for a typist when everyone can type.

I paint, but commissions are far and few between, and pretty much just pay for the love of painting - not my life. I wish, oh I wish, that some gallery could magically find me and make me a star, but those things don't happen when I've only been painting (seriously) for 3 years. Not to mention the lack of training behind me.

All in all it seems that Andrew and I keep heading down and getting stuck in the same rut of: living in our ho-dunk town, working jobs we don't love, and not able to progress. I do feel like I'm spinning my wheels, and I'm sure he does too.

So what do we do? I keep my head up most of the time. That's probably why I am such a pessimistic person, all my optimism is taken up by keeping my head up and pushing on.

I have known my whole life that I am not made out to be a woman who finds a  man to take care of her. I have always known that I would need to be an equal - though through Andrew's recovering from his injury, I certainly would have enjoyed a break.

I know this sounds a lot like bitching, and it is. Yes, this is full out bitching because life threw a fast ball. It's been doing that a lot lately.

In conclusion. I want to be a kid again.

Faith is the belief in something more than what you know

My heart has been hanging pretty heavy these last few days because of rumors and gossip regarding Andrew. I have chosen to trust and beleive him. I had thought long and hard before coming to that conclusion.

I simply ask all friends and well wishers to not talk about this unless there is proof. I only want to hear about it when there is proof. I will not destroy Andrew and mine's relationship over anything less than that - not to say it would be a destruction of our relationship. There are many succesful relationships throughout history and our present that have flourished after such issues.

And to those of you who wish us wrong - well some relationships are stronger. I beleive ours can and will conquer all the roadblocks life, and ourselves, throw in its path.

I leave you with some thoughts that have made me stronger these past couple days.

 

What you don't see with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth.  ~Jewish Proverb

There is so much good in the worst of us,
And so much bad in the best of us,
That it hardly becomes any of us
To talk about the rest of us.
~Edward Wallis Hoch

Rumors are seen as crimes committed by third parties. They are perfect crimes and leave not the slightest trace and require no weapons whatsoever--the defense is left without a leg to stand on.

JEAN-NOEL KAPFERER

Rumors are hearsay; they are told, believed, and passed on not because of the weight of evidence but because of the expectations by tellers that they are true in the first place.

ERICH GOODE & NACHMAN BEN-YEHUDA

A plausible rumor

Seems a lot more believable

Than the truth itself.

KOBO ABE

And the song that:s been pulling me through: Keep on Loving you - by Reba
with such striking lyrics as:

Love takes the patience of Job
That's what my Mama always said
Faith is the belief in something more than what you know
That's what the Good Book says
You gotta play the cards you got
Who knows what fate is holding
At times you gotta go without knowing where you're going


[chorus]

Lord knows we've had our share of fights
Our sleepless nights, our ups and downs
We've had plenty and then some of baby I'm gones and turnarounds
Sometimes I swear it might be easier to throw in the towel
Someday we're gonna look back
Say look at us now


[chorus...]



A weekend of Painting

Well it's official. Andrew goes back to Northern BC again to work tonight.

I have once again neglected my dear blog, but for a good reason - Andrew's home!

I probably will again next week as his check comes in and wedding plans can really start getting underway. But I will find time to update you. I promise.

As it has been the past 2 months, writing hasn't come easy for me. My need to write has paled in comparison to my need to paint this past while.

Even this weekend, amidst my favorite man being home, I still found time to paint two of the largest paintings I have ever done.

Saturday was a blue sky painting inspired by the sunny skies on my commute home last week. Painted on a 70 x 90 cm canvas it was my first really large painting.

Last night was what I refer to as my Spanish Dancer. Black white and red, and very dramatic. It sits as the largest at 80 x 100 cm. I am so proud of them and though I LOVE them, I need to find a home for them as I have officially run out of wall space in my apartment.

For my Blue skies painting I am looking to sell around $100 and the Spanish Dancer at $150. As always it is by the best offer, but price is based largely on the size of the canvas.

Let me know what you think, I am constantly looking for feedback on my art!

Coping with the End

With all that is going on in Japan, and the subsequent panicking over on this side of the ocean I have found myself in a horrible predicament in how I deal with the shock and awe of what is going on. Humor.
I am a horrible person for trying to find light in a situation that my brain can literally not grasp. I feel like all the goings on are sort of like seeing a dead, mangled body - you're eyes don't let you see what it really is. (not that I have, I am taking this from a common description Laurell K Hamilton uses in her books, but you get the idea)

With the threat (really hysterics) of radiation leaking across the ocean to us, I can't help but feel completely overwhelmed and helpless.

So I call on an old dutch saying - which has been on my lips more than 10 times in the last week. "Als de hemel valt, krijgen we allemaal een blauwe pet" Translated it means: If the sky comes down; we'll all be wearing a blue cap.

Nothing much I can do about it right? So why worry. Just like 2012, and how I dealt with Y2k and everything else. I don't believe in an end of a world, I think 2012 will just be a "restart" for the calendar. Like seriously they wrote a calendar how far in advance? At some point they had to say enough is enough. It's like the numbers of Pi... eventually you just shorten it to 3.14 cause you're wasting your life writing the rest.  Just sayin'.

So maybe a zombie Apocalypse is next?

I think me and Andrew could survive. I'm pretty sneaky and Andrew is all military brain, hunter guy.

Also, come the end of the world he can make furniture and kill us a meal. So I think we're good.

Which reminds me of a write up I found in 2009 from the Daily Mail (sorry I don't have a link. I had this on my Facebook years ago):

"Goodbye metrosexual twigman with your sad little manbag - you never did it for me - and hello beefcake beast. Where have you been?

It should come as no surprise. Economic depressions have always walked hand in hand with the worship of raw machismo. That is just the way it goes.

Who needs a sensitive accountant when all the money is going? Who needs a man to talk shoes when all the shoes have gone?

It is better to have a man who can mend things for you. And butcher sheep. And build houses and grow vegetables and make things out of bits of wood.

Won’t you feel safer? Won’t you feel better, knowing that there is a serious lump of muscle between you and the cold, cruel world outside? "

And to continue end of the world entertainment to make me feel better - I'm bringing back an oldie but goodie with "The End of the World" Tada!

In other news - Andrew comes home today!

OH MY FREAKING GOD IT"S ABOUT TIME!

The Guilty Ivory

My world has been revolving around the wedding as of late, and I am sorry, blog, for I have somewhat forgotten you.

I have *finally* created the list of all that should be done (though list is probably not actually done). And things are rapidly getting removed from its pages. So my life is a series of getting things off of my wedding lists.

There is some interesting news on the Bridal front. MOH suggested that my sister in law be MOH because she's been doing so much. Seriously my sister in law has been a godsend to me with all of the wedding stuff. I appreciate (a lot) MOH saying this because I sort of wanted to as well. This goes back to a post I deleted about how all of my bridesmaids are like MOH's to me in how much they matter, but man has my sister in law deserved the title. So I asked my sister in law to be MOH and previous MOH retired the crown. Sister in law accepted so I guess her new tag should be Sister Maid of Honor? SMOH? That kind of looks like the initials for a fantasy book - but whatever.

So Yes, things are coming along quickly on the wedding train.

I should share some guilt that I have been broadcasting on Twitter about Japan. A week ago I got the flower girl dress in the mail (well my neighbor did, but i got it in the end). I ordered this on eBay from an Asian seller. When I got the flower girl dress I found out it was *gasp* white. Not ivory. Not like I had ordered! Here is a picture of the difference, since so many *men* out there don't understand it.

So I have this flower girl dress that totally clashes with my wedding dress. Well I look to see if we can dye it, but it's polyester, so we could try - but apparently it's hard to do. May ask seamstress on my appointment next weekend.

So I contact the seller Thursday night to see if she has a darker color because clearly this dress is not ivory.

I have yet to receive anything back.

I have come to the conclusion that the seller of my flower girl dress is in Japan and I will never get my proper flower girl dress!

Now let's make this clear, I was quite upset to hear about the goings on in Japan, the natural disaster and have kept abreast of everything going on. I have treated all of this with the suitable amount of shock, awe and horror.

But I still have this guilt because I am actually kinda peeved and annoyed about the dress debacle.

Is this the intro to the Deirdre Bridezilla I have been foreboding? It could be, it very well could be.

Back in the Saddle

I'm back in the groove baby! No, not with writing, that has been blocked for a while now (though sci-fi ideas have been streaming in my head - a genre i would not normally find any interest in) and painting has died down as I have no current project running. No, I mean I am back in the groove of exercising! Yeah baby!

I have found out some interesting facts about how I work out... er what I burn when I am working out. The most amazing one is that 1 hour of casual racquetball (which is about what we usually play for every 2nd day) burns 636 calories. Like holy eff!

So let's take yesterday as an example. I ate 1158 calories (give or take a few)  I burnt 160 calories on treadmill and cycle. So I thought my total calorie number for the day was 998 cal. But I couldn't figure out what Racquetball would equal. Looked it up this morning and it turns out that my total calories for the day would be 362!

Um... ok that's only one meal. Basically. I had three well balanced meals yesterday (and a snack after working out as I figured I burned a sandwich's worth.

Is that right that i minus what I burned from what i ate? That seems logical.

Now. I do know I am not eating enough (though I am all for the fast weight loss, but I don't want my body to go into starvation mode!) I have read in a couple places that you should not go under 1,200 cal intake without medical supervision.
Also after doing a BMR calculation (which I found at Ask.com) I figured that to maintain my weight (chya like I want to do that) I should have an intake of 2208.83 calories. And to loose one pound one week I should be in taking 1708.83 calories. And I know it is unhealthy but I am aiming at the 1200 cal mark because well its 2 months and 2 weeks till the wedding, and I want to not have so many chins!

I am also taking vitamins. I figured my bout of being sick for nearly a month is because I drastically changed  my diet and didn't add any vitamins that I was now missing. I found a multivitamin for people losing weight. so went with that one (no name brand type deal so it was cheaper)

I know this is one boring blog entry, but I had to share it and share my excitement at getting back on the exercise train!

The Sunnyside

For the past 2 years - things have been hard. We've gotten used to the struggling, got used to life being hard. I honestly thought this would just be life - we would also struggle for money - but we would have each other, so it was worth it.

The last statement still stands. And it's not that we aren't still cutting our budge tight, but I can see the light. After 2 years, I can see the light at the end of this fight. I am finally able to enjoy the wedding planning.

This is not to say we are rolling in money, but the relief that there will be a bit extra coming in, that we can pay debts and what is owed - is such a welcome feeling! It is like years have lifted from my heart and I am suddenly able to hope with the hope of youth.

It is such a hearty drug to find hope for a future. God knows the world as we know it could use more of this.

So I am able to be truly excited for our wedding, which is coming up so rapidly! I am excited for the planning, and focused on finding those pieces we need.

I am anxious as can be and so excited for Andrew to come home on the 15th!

Life is looking up and all I can say is how thankful I am to Andrew, as I don't think I could be this happy or excited if it wasn't for him. (Which ya, is kind of obvious with the wedding.)

Wedding fever replacing sick fever

Well it looks like wedding fever has finally struck me... again! My cold is slowly going away, and in its place a flurry of wedding bogged thoughts take its place.

After a meeting with my sister in law we figured out theres a crap load I want /need to do. So i finally did what I have been procrastinating on for the longest time. I wrote a list. A list of small things I need to do, things I need to ponder on.

I feel much more organized in le brain with this list being set down. I even put down time limits for when I need some things done. Oh yeah. I'm turning into a bride alright! Late, but better than never.

Now, why all the surge in wedding planning stuff? well Andrew got a job! Yay! Not only did he get a job, he's already there! He flew out to Fort Saint John this afternoon and is settling into Camp as we speak. He will be doing 2 weeks on 1 week off. Yes, for those of you with those handy-dandy math skills, that means that I get to see him in 2 weeks (plus or minus a day or two for travel)

In other news my female cat is in heat. My male cat, who was fixed a couple years back, has been settling for hiding or playing dead when she starts howling. I cannot wait to get her fixed, and everytime she starts the dreaded howling (after i scream at her to shut up, throw various pillows at her and chase her around the house) I stare at her telling her just how much i can't wait for her to go in for surgery. I'm a mean mean kitty mommy.