Surviving the Apocolypse

Wow, has it ever been a long time since I last wrote.

My last blog was about how I was beginning to go wheat free. I have to say it has been an amazing success! I am still wheat free, though I'm not as strict as I want to be with soy sauce and minor things that contain wheat.. that's something I want to change. But as a quick summary - I lost 20 lb in 4 months from not eating wheat! I have now stopped losing wheat and will have to actually do something to continue my weight loss.

Since the last blog I have remained wheat free, we have moved to Grande Prairie, Alberta, and ...well that's about it. I have transplanted my life here, and am quite content. Life goes on.

Now that the summaries are over, I mostly wanted to talk about New Years Resolutions. Last year I had written a blog about what I wanted to accomplish in 2012. I think now is a perfect time to go through that list and see what I have and have not accomplished. So let's see!

Deirdre’s 2012 Resolutions

1.   Lose weight, goal= 150 lbs or less (ideal 135 lbs [potentially not possible in 2012. 2013?]):
                  a.      200 lbs - yes!

b.      190 lbs - yes!

c.       180 lbs - yes! (barely)

d.      170 lbs - not yet

e.       160 lbs- not yet

f.       150 lbs- not yet

2.    Healthy eating:

a.      Make fast food a rarity. - yes! sometimes we do eat out, but it is much less than before!

b.      Home cooked meals  - yes! since moving out here I have done a lot more cooking! 

c.       Cut out one item that is bad for you:

                                                           i.      Sugar -  not yet. this is on for 2013, i think.

                                                           ii.      Caffeine - no

                                                           iii.     White bread - yes in a way. as I mentioned above, I cut out wheat

                                                           iv.      Red meat - no. I have actually increased how much meat I eat (well protein in general) with having cut out so many carbs with the no wheat diet. I do try and eat more chicken then red meet though.

3.     Healthy lifestyle:

a.       Consistent gym use - not yet. on the docket for 2013

b.      Run: - not yet - yeah, just no. One thing I am not happy about is the lack of exercise this past year. Must be improved dramatically 2013.

                                                          i.      30 sec straight

                                                          ii.      1 minute straight

                                                          iii.      2 minutes straight

                                                          iv.      5 minutes straight

4.     Arts and crafts

a.       Art:

                                                             i.      Take an art class - not yet, plan to take pottery or something in 2013

                                                            ii.      Push recognition of own Art forward -  not yet. to be honest I kinda gave up a bit on this. I found it too hard, and ended up just wantint to paint for my own comfort and happiness.

                            1.      Goal: 120 Likes on Facebook Page

                            2.      More commissions

                            3.      Gallery/coffee shop showing.

b.      Organize craft supplies in labeled bins. -  not yet. well their somewhat organized...

c.       Complete wedding scrapbook -  yes!  although it was online, and i have yet to place the order for it, but its done!

d.      Start year by year scrapbook (reference Facebook for picture dates) - yes! same as above. 

5.     Money and savings

a.      Save (ideally) $500 each month. - not yet. hopefully more with out new incomes and life up in the great white north!

b.      Pay off credit cards and maintain 25% balance.- not yet, i have a budget though.

c.      Pay off major debts:- not yet - this year! I have a budget.

                  d.      Save for family vacation- not yet. but we did move, so .. yeah

e.       Have 2010 and 2011 taxes completed -  yes! 

6.    Friends

a.       Make new friends and network with people with similar interests (art, reading, writing, etc) - sort of. I started talking to some old friends a bit more, and moving up here I have become involved in a group of women up here to just chat. Oh I made a new friend, but she lives with us, so she kidna has to be my friend. Must push to be more social in 2013.

b.      Make larger efforts to enrich the relationships I already have. - this is something that should continue on for all years!

7.     Family

a.      Keep close. Don’t let another death remind you that family is important-  yes! 

b.      Communicate and spend more time with Kendra and Ethan. Would like to know my nephew.- not yet

c.       Have the girls over more often.- a little hard now that we're over 1000 km away from each other. Plus, their teenagers... not really into talking or spending time with their aunt anymore.

d.      Add to the family - not yet, concentrating on getting healthy to do so.

                  e.       Try to bridge the gap between Grandma and self - not yet

f.       Extend more contact with Opa -   not yet

g.      Try to arrange more regular trips to see relatives. - not yet

h.      More common phone calls with Dad-  yes! 

8.    Be the wife Andrew deserves, the daughter Mom deserves, and the friend my Family and Friends deserve. - This is another one that should be ongoing throughout the years.

Alot of what my resolutions revolved around was weight loss. So here's a quick comparison of what I started out looking like in February and what I look like now, err just before Christmas. Sorry for the picture quality, it's always just cell phones. 

So I see alot of red in there, but also some green. So i think I did fairly well. I had a pretty in depth list, so it was a lot to accomplish. I am proud of what I did. 

Now to figure out what I want out of 2013!

#Wheatfree

2 weeks ago my boss bought me a book, Wheat Belly by William Davis, MD.

My boss has been following a gluton free lifestyle since her daughter was young, so well over 20 years. Over the past 2 years I have worked for her, she's told me more and more why and what caused the change (I think her daughter is a Cyliac).

Well after reading the book, (which pretty much makes it's point in the introduction) I decided to try this wheat free thing out.

I started the day Andrew left for training, so that would be Sunday, July 15, 2012. It has been 9 days now. I am down 4 lbs and (at last check on the weekend) 3 inches.

But that's not the greatest part, well it is, sort of. The greatest part is that I got past my plateau, I passed the banner that was my short term goal.

I am officially (as of this morning) 198 lbs! Now for most people that's not something to be boastful about, but my short term goal was to get under 200 lbs, from then under 190 lbs, then 180 lbs, and so on until I was hovering back around 130-140 (what I view as a healthy and attractive weight for me).

Now, even before I started my wheat free diet I was on a wheat free mission. I knew so many people who could use this (just like when I read Napoleon Hill's Interview with the Devil [is it reading if it's an audio book?]). One of my lucky moments was finding out I had a friend who already went Gluten free, and that's fellow blogger, Hello Little Deer. She's been giving me tips and tricks to help me along my way, plus a good dose of support! But I, because of my pre-diabetic nature and high insulin levels wanted to go totally wheat free.

I won't lie, in the beginning it was hard, I did have wheat on the brain, much like when I quit smoking nearly 2 years ago and couldn't think of anything but that seductive smoke. I fought against it, like I did with smoking (and won, by the way, with smoking at least), and only had meat, veggies, and dairy. Most of my meals consisting of a large salad and chicken breast. That gets tired real quick, in case you were wondering. The same meal (ok different salad dressing, big whoop!) day in day out. I was finding it hard to avoid the pasta, and bread, and oh the pizza and stuff crazy bread I loved so much. So I gave in and half of one of those mini ice cream sundays with cookies in it (cookies that have wheat). I immediately felt like crap, couldn't even finish the tiny cup of ice cream, and discovered what it means to be ignorant of the poison you were taking. I had, at that point, only been wheat free for half a week, and already my body was being affected by the reintroduction of wheat in such a way!

Since the weekend has passed and my aunt brought over some rice pasta, which though the consistency is a bit weird at first, is remarkably similar (and I checked the ingredients, wheat free and gluten free). I have found it alot easier to cope. One because I then took a better look around my local grocery store and found more gluten and wheat free alternatives. Because I am going wheat free as well as gluten free, i have a little bit less options. I am still avoiding any bread substitute because I don't want to tease myself, or rather feed the urge for bread, much like how I couldn't have a "fake" smoke while quitting smoking. Finding (not just being told) Wheat Free and Gluten free alternatives to my favorite foods (like perogies!!!!) was a godsend. It has made this whole change 10 times easier.

Now I will point out that it doesn't necessarily change my "boring" meal plan, these substitutes. My reason for that is simple, these substitutes are still (or can be) high in carbs, which is what I need to keep low for my PCOS and insulin levels. So once in a while they are good for curbing a craving, or a little "reward" for my good eating habits, hell even as a consolation "junk" meal for my husband when he's sick of salad and chicken... but it's not what every day meals should be made of, not if I want to keep up this true health kick.

So now that I'm well on my way to having a wheat free lifestyle, it's time to think about what I need to add to my life. I have talked, on and on, about adding exercise. yes I know I need to do it, and yeah, i always end up not doing it... so my solution, to do both. to add and not add. I've got a nifty little kettle weight I'm going to stick on my coffee table. If I'm watching TV, well every commercial I'll do some sets as I'm sitting or standing, watching the ads go past. Or if I'm playing video games, well the intermissions become my work out time. It's not exactly a vigorous work out, but I'm still doing more then I was before, and I can (theoretically) relax and work out at nearly the same time. Of course this doesn't work if I start watching only movies, or suddenly have to pee every commercial break - but I'll try and keep myself honest.

Lindeman Lake Hike

It's been a while since I updated, and though nothing much has changed or happened we did go hiking! Not only was it hiking, it was hiking AND backcountry camping at Lindeman Lake, in Chilliwack, BC.

The lake is beautiful. The hike was brutal. The day was hot. And I am so proud of myself!

So here are some pictures of my hike up!

Beginning the hike

Walking over the Log Bridge

My Husband, Andrew, and I on the hike down

Lindeman lake when we arrived.

The Otter that was a bit of a ham.

How we slept. yep. On the ground!

The Group!

With my cousin, proud I did it!

What my husband carried up!

The Lake in the morning. So clear!!!

May Madness

It's been about 20 days since my last update, and though nothing overtly exciting has happened, there still has been some progress in my life. (well duh).

For those wondering about mom, she is doing ok. Right ow she is actually in Calgary, AB looking into alternative treatment. We will make sure to always check with her doctors before starting anything, BUT it is promising, not only in her attitude, but the foundation she is checking out seems to have had some success.

I've been doing tons of gardening. I even had my first strawberry from the garden last week, it was delicious! Broccoli and all is growing, with the spring rain we've been having I was worried my little seedlings would be drowned, but they loved it and are growing like crazy now! Well, except for my carrots, those just aren't taking.

Andrew's been busy making me planters in between his regular job and helping out at the lake on the weekend. Ugh, he's only done 2 weekends and I'm already done with. I could be more patient, but knowing that he's leaving in July for training gives me more incentive to 1. put him to work and 2. spend the sunny times with him.

Andrew and I also had our one year anniversary on the 21st. It's hard to believe we've passed one year of marriage, but we have. So much has happened in that time and I'm still so thankful to have him in my life. With all that has gone on and Andrew has truly become my rock, amidst all this turmoil!

I leave you with some pictures of my month:

My radishes and tomatoes are coming along nicely!

Up top: cucumbers and spinach
Down below: green onion, some other lettucy stuff mom wanted, cauliflower, broccoli, and lettuce.

First strawberry!

The seedlings that are waiting for their home. Lot of beans, some tomatoes hiding, and zuchini.



My Laine, who finally got over his fear of outside and spent the afternoon laying in the shade beside me while I suntanned!



Cancer's continuation

One of the hardest things I have ever had to hear, was my mom telling me that she had cancer. After treatment and surgery, I had hoped that I would never have to hear those string of words again. But last night I did.

Mom has been battling Colo rectal cancer (and how asinine is it to still be referring to the type of disease by it's location! shouldn't we have it by strain or something?) since the end of last year. Early March we thought she had it beat after her surgery, but apparently we were wrong. Mom has been having some pain and has been doing well with being in contact with her doctors, to pushing for tests and solutions.

Last Monday we found out that the latest scan showed that mom had a tumor in her liver. Yesterday we found out that (after her team of doctors had look at it), that it was not one tumor, but 5.

The diagnosis is not good. The doctors have given mom a few months if left untreated, but because she will be pursuing treatment, the time is more around 24 months, 2 years.

This all seems very abstract.

To think there is a high probability I may lose my mother before I am 30...that I can't seem to wrap my head around. It just seems so unbelievable.

To anyone who knows my mother, they know she is a vital person. Just full of life, spunk, and fighting spirit. She is a staple in any one's life, and has such wisdom that we all find ourselves asking for her answers.

Mom will be pursuing alternative treatment as well. Especially after many articles have spoke of the University of Alberta and their success with "DCA" . This has given me a sort of mission, steps to take and things to do. It gives me the perfect excuse to not pay attention to the giant elephant in the room.

I usually avoid sticking my head in the sand, I prefer to see the negative coming, prepare defenses, etc. But in this case I am digging a nice deep hole for my head to go in. I don't want to think of the inevitable, but would like to concentrate on life now.

I am also being rather sickeningly positive. I find my relatives speaking of death, and all I want to talk about is the opportunity this gives. How many people have the opportunity to live, literally, every day as if it were their last. To have that push to say things you would not otherwise had the courage to say, to live so that, at the end of the day, you have no regrets?

I have asked mom what her bucket list is and she has only 2 items. One is to see me pregnant and the other, well that one is personal to my sister. That's so mom. To give us a list, of what should be her most selfish thoughts and desires, instead the only 2 things are things that she knows my sister and I both want, so desperately. Many of you well know Andrew and I have struggled with getting pregnant, and finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.

So though mom has a bucket list that is unselfish, I have one for her, that is not. I want mom to enjoy the time she has here. Quality over Quantity, if quantity is not to be had. I want mom to travel as she couldn't before, to swim in a cenote with me, to be spoiled and pampered. I want her to enjoy every drop of every day she has. Most of all I don't want her to worry, about money, bills, me, anything. To attain this the family has began numerous fundraising operations. The most popular, currently, is Bread for Betty with proceeds going to mom's bills. The complete proceeds of all my paintings goes directly to mom. As well, in the planning stages, is a benefit concert and market, there's even a top secret project. :)

I leave you with a picture of mom and me from last year February.

Spring - cleaning, gardening, changing

Spring is in the air, and with spring comes spring cleaning, gardening, and change.  We have been doing all of those in casa Puff!

First, the cleaning - OK maybe I haven't been doing as much of that, but we have managed to get, not only the garage much more organized with an area for the exercise equipment, but also have been able to start moving some of the plants outside as the weather gets warmer. So we're getting more space inside, and get to use more outside. I even did some cleaning outside, by getting the patio set free of all the winter grime, and ready for sitting and relaxing!

Another change is that online. Earlier this month I listened to then read Outwitting the Devil by Napolean Hill. If you get a chance to read or listen to it, do so! It has already changed my life! Much of the stuff you hear about in other self help books, but the way it's formatted just spoke to me. I guess that's all I needed. One of the things that spoke to me was about controlling your environment, and by that it includes the people around you. Since I don't spend a lot of time with people besides family, the only other people I am in contact with (aside from work) are online. I looked at my Facebook list and found tons of people I don't talk to, am not friends with, don't even like. That's not even including the people who's statuses were constant negativity, whining, bitching, etc. (and yeah I know I am guilty of that). Also, I didn't want to be like any of these people, they had no one personality trait that I admired, so what exactly was their point? Well really nothing, aside from adding to a number on a my profile. So I went about deleting those people. And though my feed is much less interesting now, it is also much less negative.

Next up, gardening. I finally found Pinterest and that has spawned a whole bushel of projects for Andrew and I! One of them was to make planters for the garden. I've already started seedlings, but I needed deeper and larger planters for the vegetables we are now going to grow! So on Sunday him and I set out to find a butt load of pallets. We found the jackpot in a company that left them outside (this is a normal in Chilliwack, but I didn't know if it was in Langley). Andrew picked through for the better looking wood and we loaded them up.

One load

He ended up needing 3 loads pallets, but hey, it's free wood! Why should we pay for something when we can get it for free. Plus there's the benefits of it being pre-cut as well as making me feel good about recycling!

After the pallets were delivered mom and I went off to shop for more plants! Cause that's just what we need ;) We spent much of the day plant shopping, which moved onto garden shopping, which moved onto patio shopping. But it was damn nice to be able to do something so normal with mom again! We were both tired come the end of it, but it was well worth it!  We have many plans and ideas now for what we want that patio to look like! I can't wait till it's done and we can enjoy it!

Andrew had made a fair bit of progress on one of the planters, this one we needed to be quite deep as it will have rocks at the bottom for drainage, then will house carrots, which need a fair amount of room to grow down. 

We will have 1 tall planter, and 1 herb garden planter which will be made out of the full skinny pallet you see behind the box, then there will also be (to start) about 4 lifted planters which will be about 18" deep for the rest of the vegetables!

I am so excited for these planters to be done so I can start planting my little seedlings! But before that is we will need a trip to the river to gather rocks. I have a feeling we may need a lot!

And since our beloved Canucks played their last playoff game for the season last night, I planted while Andrew swore at the TV. Our greenhouse is mighty full, and we still have some more sensitive seeds sprouting inside (tomatoes and peppers). 

Many of my flowers are doing great as well! Better then I expected in this spring weather! Looks like I may have inherited somewhat of a green thumb from Oma! 

The other thing that comes with spring is change. This has come in a couple forms, one as marked about is a change of self - not only with friends, but in my way of thinking, my way of viewing myself, etc. My body change has continued, and I am not trying to be the master of myself when it comes to food. I am still loosing, though it is inches, not pounds. 

The other change is in health. We have been trying for some time to get pregnant, either by "allowing" it to happen or actively trying - it has been a little under 2 years. I've been worried there's something wrong, as my cycles have been very erratic. Here's a warning to any body not comfortable reading about lady things, the next few bits are going to have some details you may not be comfortable with. 

After I had the miscarriage I developed hypothyroidism which caused me to have irregular periods, and fast weight gain. We didn't figure this out until nearly a year afterwards. I was hoping once my thyroid was regulated that my cycle's would return to normal, but they haven't. So now, a year after the thyroid was figured out, we finally figure out why the cycle's were so messed. I have PCOS, Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. What I understand it to be is a hormone imbalance. The cause/effect of this is high levels of insulin. Subsequent causes are cycle irregularity, etc. The image below sums it up quite nicely.  

So the treatment for me is first to get my insulin levels down- this requires a medication for diabetes and a low carb diet. Once that is down we will see my doctor for the next step, which may include hormone therapy, but the hope is that getting my insulin down (and hopefully body weight) will get my body regulated enough to start having regular cycles again! 

Now low carb is nothing I have done before, so it's a bit tricky to find my way through the minefield that any diet is. This one actually seems to be easy, for the most part it's high protein, low carb. I'm basically sticking away from sugar heavy foods - which include bread, rice, and tropical fruits. I look at the labels more on foods now and try to choose the lower numbered brand, or if both are too high, I pick neither of them. I have found that I already feel better and have started to eat healthier. I can continue on Body By Vi shakes, as those are high in protein, I just need to watch the sugary things I put in it.  One of the things my doctor said I should avoid is colored foods- stick with green, he said, which means green peppers but no yellow papers (personal favorite). I've had some great ideas for salads with meat - ie: taco salad, Greek salad, etc. There's even a low carb Caesar dressing, so I can get my Caesar fix!

So spring has left me feeling, a little tired, but mostly exhilarated and excited for the days ahead!

Buh Bye Excuses!

Death, disease and injuries often cause us to look at our lives a bit differently. We stare and dissect the bits of our lives and often come up lacking. I have done this lately, and found myself in need of change.

I've taken stock of the life I lead, the things I do, and the people I associate with. To be honest, the last bit is quite small. Prompted by my mom's own exclamation that we just make too many useless excuses, I have decided to try and change that. I knew this year would be transforming, turns out I am right.

There are things I have always wanted to do, and very useless excuses that have gotten in the way. The largest is always money, but to be honest, had we said no to dinner out that one day, I could have done something else with that money - something I had be dreaming of. Making that conscious decision, to not be lazy and make dinner could have improved my happiness exponentially, and yet I still chose to eat out (which in itself is damming another wish) and in essence waste that money.

Some of the things I want to do to make my life happier: Start a garden so can be more self sufficient re: produce purchases and create a patio "oasis", take partnered dance lessons (Latin ballroom), take whichever lessons catch my fancy (Taiko drumming, art, Zumba, Fencing, etc), pay off major debts/obtain more financial freedom, lose weight. 

Most of those don't require a lot of money (with the exception of paying off major debts/obtain more financial freedom. Most of those are easy to obtain, the cost of a meal or two - when put in that perspective money is no longer such an issue, after all - I can guarantee that money will be spent regardless, and probably on something like a meal out.

Many of the above tie into a a general goal: being healthier. To have produce available, literally just outside the patio door, or to take active lessons that encourage exercise, and therefore combine to weight loss - all gets me closer to that big healthy goal.

Another main goal that many of these tie into is to be more open to friendship. I am mostly a loner, and have lost or grown distant to many friends in the past year. I have found the need for a friend, someone to just listen, or to go hang out with, go to the bookstore, take classes with, hell even a coffee date every once in a while, has grown so strong I've broken down under that need. I have, of course, realized that all I need do is reach out. I have friends that are just a phone call away - but I don't. Why? An excuse that they are too busy, that we're not good enough friends, that we've just grown too distant, that I don't need the support, I'm strong enough on me own. Yeah, stupid excuses that just make me more and more unhappy.

So to hell with those excuses! I'm going to start saving and pushing myself to do those things I want. No more being lazy and listless, time to start being the person I want to be. Hoorah!

So what are some of your dreams you've let excuses take over?

Breaking down

I have a confession - I'm not handling things as well as I pretend I am.

I've concentrated on weight loss lately because, well, as I've eluded to, life isn't as peachy as I want it to be. No I'm not talking about with me and Andrew, we are, thankfully, the one steady amongst the uproar. But mom's diagnosis, and subsequent treatment has taken a toll on me.

I find myself expecting myself to be the strong one. I view myself as a logical, strong person - ergo my reactions to mom's cancer diagnosis should be such.

Guess what? I'm not all logic and smarts.

I've slowly come to the conclusion that I am holding way too much inside, but it all came crashing to me last night. Last night, which has continued on to today, has felt like one attack after another on me. It's not the case, but it feels that way.

Well let's give you the run down of all that has happened. Mom was diagnosed with Stage 3 Colon Cancer in Late November. Late December she was in surgery to have an ileostomy (a colostomy but for the end of the small intestine). This is so that during radiation and chemo, she wouldn't get blocked up - a potential hazard that could not be risked.

Chemo was exceptionally hard on mom, as it supposedly is on some people. She couldn't keep anything down and lost 15 lbs in the first week alone. It was hard to watch. Hard for me to sit and not be able to do anything.

Because of how low the tumor is we were all worried, her surgeon included, that she would not be able to be "hooked back up".

This past Wednesday, mom went in for surgery. When the surgeon came out he told us how in 3 months she should be able to be "hooked back up" once fully healed from the radiation. That there was a small tumor left (after radiation/chemo) and that they took it and will study it to see if any lymph-nodes are affected.

I started tearing up when he said this, but swallowed them back as to not step out of character. The surgeon went on, and my Aunt, who has been through this before, had all the right questions to ask that I never would have thought of. So much for the smarts portion of my act.

I've seen mom since, but because she is in a hospital 2 cities away, its not always easy for us to see her during the week  when we have to work - not including the price of fuel these days.

I saw her last night, and they were starting to take her epidural down - so she was starting to feel the pain of her surgery. She was snappy at me and Andrew. I understand why she was. I understand how frustrating, painful, tiring, and all other sorts of emotions I can't describe add up to the remarks about our useless conversaton about a table.

I had to step out. i couldn't handle it.

I'm going to admit here, what I have just been able to admit to myself. i'm going to tell it publicly so maybe some other person who thinks they are the rock, thinks their strong, and can handle it knows - you can't not all the way, and that's okay . 


I've felt such a need to curl up in a ball and cry this past week, it's almost overwhelming.

To be honest, I've felt like a failure. My sister, who I have always viewed as more emotional then me, has stepped in to be the rock mom has needed, she has been able to support her both emotionally and financially, where I have been unable. She is able to visit mom everyday, multiple times a day. I can't even make it out once a day sometimes. And when she does see mom, mom is happy to see her, despite the pain. She comes with the things mom needs, no attitude, and support - knowing what to talk about, what minute details have been going on in mom's recovery from the surgery.

So yeah, I've felt, in comparison, like a failure, like a fraud.

I am not able to be the rock. I am the youngest daughter of my mother, I think it's time I acknowledge that it's ok for me to, sometimes, be the baby.

I am terrified of losing my mother. I have been having dreams (in the past month now every night) that are almost nightmares, everyday life, without mom. I wake up feeling like I haven't slept at all. I pretend not to worry because I have to be confident that she will be fine, but I'm terrified. I know what can happen, I know what Stage 3 means, and I heard the doctor say what the chances are of it coming back afterwards. I know that, and I hope and pray to a god I didn't think i believed in, that she would and will be okay and will survive this.

I joke about how mom has to raise my kids for me - to be honest I don't know how I could do it if she wasn't there. But that's another thing I'm a failure for too - a double edge on that one, I'm a failure for not providing her with another grandchild, being unable too even when that was the first thing she asked me when she came out of the first surgery.

I'm scared of things I can't put to words. I'm scared of what could happen, what has happened, what that means for me and everyone in my family. And everynight I live a nightmare where she's not here. Everyday I pretend that I'm okay, that this is just routine and that mom will be fine. I've stuck my head halfway in the sand.

I pretended I could handle it. I haven't slept well for a month at least. My work, my hobbies, my life has reacted accordingly to that. I am over emotional, I'm depressed when i stop pretending, I'm fighting more with those around me, and dammit I'm starting to hate myself for being that failure.


So to those who think they can handle it. Don't. Give up your pride and let yourself feel when those supporting arms come around you. Break down every once in a while, otherwise you'll breakdown when you're needed - when your mother is sitting in pain, crying, and trying to eat. You'll break down like I did and have to leave, and feel oh so ashamed and a level of self loathing never felt before.

Active Weekends make for Attractive Weekdays

After my last post, Sedentary Lifestyle, I decided to do something about my lack of activity. So the weekend was filled with just that.

Friday night while my husband was half asleep I talked him into going for a run/jog with me in the morning... of course he wasn't aware he acquiesced to this until the morning of. He was none too happy about the idea of running right out of bed - but the bribe of Tim Hortons prevailed!

I wanted to do the Couch 2 5K run, but was annoyed by timing it, wanting to listen to my music, and running. I have an app on my phone that vibrates every time I have to switch it up, however I had it in my hoody pocket so I would barely feel it. I found out later that there are podcasts with music and timing built in. I have downloaded them and will try again on the weekend (yes I know I should run multiple times each week, but our lifestyles - right now- do not make that easy, so once a week will get me started).

Also finding podcasts brought me to a whole list of new discussions, podcasts, and Itunes University studies that I have downloaded and waiting for a moment to listen to.

Saturday afternoon my two young teen nieces came by, so the rest of the day involved crafts and Just Dance 3. We played about 2 hours of it, and I like to think I kept up pretty well with the young veterans of the game that my nieces are. I even beat them a few times! By Google's calculations one hour of Just Dance 3 burns about 370 calories, about the same as running. So I figure in all of Saturday I burned about 851 calories!

We then played board games until the wee hours of the morning, which honestly was just perfect!

Sunday I woke up sore, ate badly because mom made her amazing buttermilk pancakes, then hot dogs for lunch - so yeah, I wasn't exactly Ms. Healthy Eating. I didn't plan on doing any real exercise, despite promising the girls laser tag the night before, because of said soreness. Well after nearly 3 hours of RISK, in which I dominated for the first time, we switched it up, again, to Just Dance 3. Another 2.5 hours of that for me (and wow! 3 hours for the girls!) and I was beat! But again, that's approximately 925 calories for the day!

I'm already seeing a difference in my body, it may be slight, or just the way I'm feeling changing my posture, but I'm starting to get where I want to be!

The next few days are going to be really hard as mom is going in for surgery to remove what is left (after chemo and radiation) of her tumor. We are hoping and praying, and ask that anyone with religious affiliations pray to their respective gods or deities, that she comes out fine and can be "hooked back up" the way she was intended to run!

Sedentary Lifestyle

I have something to admit, I've been struggling.

The shakes are fine and easy, but I find myself wanting junk food more and more - and yet, I let myself have it every once in a while. But my big struggle is with exercise.

I've talked about this a couple times, and must keep talking about it until I truly hold myself accountable, until i find that thing that makes it click for me.

Let's face facts, I need to exercise. I sit for (on average) 7 out of the 7.5 hours at my day job, when I come home, what do I do? I sit and watch TV, or play video games. Then I sleep for 8 hours. In total I'm up and moving, what, maybe a total of 3 hours throughout the day. THAT IS RIDICULOUS! (also probably not exact math).

The fact is that I'm not supposed to be sitting that long. (as a person, not an employee, as an employee I have to), historically women have been up doing stuff, birthing children, raising said children, plowing fields, or doing whatever else they can - but not leading the kind of life I am now.

And sitting for the majority of your day isn't healthy either! Check out some of the bad things that are linked to it at Women's Magazine.

Now obviously I can't quit my job and start a life as a flagger or construction worker... well I could but that isn't what I want in my career, nor is what I spent the money to become. (nothing against female flaggers or constructions workers, you go girls!) So I need to get up and do something for the remaining 4 hours of day. Yeah, that sounds hard.

Here are somethings that I have planned in my life to get me up and moving:

1. Evening run after work (yeah I keep talking about it, I honestly mean to do the CouchTo5K [C25K]) 
2. Painting/Art - when I paint I tend to stand or am rolling around on an exercise ball. The point is that while I'm doing something I love, I'm still moving.
3. Exercise programs or classes - there are plenty that are offered at my local community centres. There's a bit of a wait as the winter classes are finishing and spring classes have yet to start, but getting registered and preparing to have that part of a weekly routine is good for me.
4. Kinect - I have some video games that must be played standing up, hell Andrew even has a hunting one that involves running in place and ducking while holding a Kinect Gun, not to mention the Just Dance 3 - which works up a damn good sweat!
5. Fun dates. We try and do this every week, whether it be just us or a group of friends. It's laser tag, bowling, (maybe paintball...we'll see), and adventure amusements that are offered locally.

So what do you do to get yourself moving after work?

17 Day Mark

This is just a quick post to keep me accountable for me and my weight loss journey.

Here's an update, picture wise, of my progress. I studied this pictures to find a difference there is some. I would like it to be like WOW that's a difference, but its a bit. It's gradual. I didn't have surgery, I'm on a diet and lifestyle change.

So without further adieu, here is my progress to date.

Upheaval

Upon demands from one of my favorite bloggers, ex-roommate, DIY-er extraordinaire and general awesome person over at Hello Little Deer an update is very well warranted!

I've found myself struggling a bit with this new diet. The shakes are fine, and work quite well with my morning and afternoon routines..but the exercise, OH the exercise! The only free time I have is either when I am sleeping or after work - neither of those times do I feel very up for it.

I've committed myself to some pre-arranged dates for "fun" exercise. What I mean by fun is, of course, actual fun. Yep - laser tag, sampler fitness days run by my local community centre, fitness classes that are either dancing, or drumming, or something else in there to make it fun. But those are all in the future... I need something NOW!

I've complained before, and will again, about how much lack of enthusiasm I have for working out. I don't actually mind sitting on a treadmill, after I warm up I get into a bit of a competition with myself. I hate running outside, I originally thought, when walking the dog, that I could do that fine...but honestly he messed up my pace. heh.

I also have to admit that my life is in some upheaval. With mom's diagnosis of cancer, the subsequent treatments, and tests it's been a bit hard to get our schedules under control. I'm not blaming mom, she's now waiting for her surgery and detoxing from the radiation and chemo, so is back home and making dinners and home life is returning to normal. I've just found it hard to deal, whether coming to terms with her diagnosis, my inability to solve or help her, and more my inability to care for her - financial, emotionally, mentally... in the beginning I felt I could do it, but as others have stepped up I have felt my own inadequacies. 

The one thing I have noticed, now that normalcy is coming back, is how out of control my life gets when we're in upheaval. Not just what's in upheaval is out of control. ALL OF IT! Bills, food, exercise, hell even my moods, hobbies, etc. I haven't painted since January when mom started her treatment. It's not that I haven't felt the need, I have sketched and have been playing with a few sexy images to put down on chalk and charcoal....but it was as if i was too scared to actually do anything, as if living a normal life while mom was going through this was sacrilege.

So I've sat here planning, talking the talk, but not walking the walk.

It's easy to say money is the problem, can't afford the gym pass we want, can't afford this and that-  but that's bullshit! Honestly! We have some (somewhat ancient) exercise machines in the garage! If we could just get our asses in gear to clear out the space we need to use it, it would be perfect. And that would be another exercise too, cleaning out the garage!

Since I'm on the subject of upheaval in our lives the next one is me. I have been up heaving it. I would never consider myself to have itchy feet, or whatever it's called when you want to move all the time...but I find lately I've had that. Maybe it's an urge to escape the above mentioned upheaval in my life, maybe. I think it's more that I have found myself taking stock of where and what we are doing. I am 24, my husband is 23...I expected us, at this age, to be farther along. I expected Andrew and I to have  better careers, for me to be expecting our first child, to be owning our own home - something in there... and yet that's not reality.

We have talked and set in motion what we can, but there are things - like owning our own home, that just seem so impossible from where we are. I know it is, I have friends who do, and at younger ages then I...but for us, and our debts, it seems a pipe dream. The only solace I have is in the belief that jobs or work up north will somehow solve this problem. There were higher wages that are geared towards the high living cost, unlike here in the lower mainland where even earning nearly 30k you can't afford to live alone with any comfort. "Up North" has become a dream for me as well  - the answer to all that I view is incomplete in our life right now. But i think both Andrew and I are a bit scared - what if this dream is just that, and reality doesn't clear away these itchy feet, solve our problems, etc. I am lucky as I have an amazing husband who has and does entertain these ideas and even starts the motion towards them.

So now, as I mentioned before, with normalcy coming back down to us, I'm taking stock once more. I'm trying, very hard, to see the silver lining, or the light at the end of the tunnel here.

And I have to say, as the normalcy is coming back I've felt myself sinking back into my own skin. I am able to view the problems as today and try and find their solution, not just dream of a solution far away. I'm getting back to me.

And just in case you were wondering - though I'm not eating as healthy nor exercising as much as I would like the diet is still going well. last week I spent most of my time snacking on chips. Horrible! And I ended up gaining back the 3 lbs I lost the week before. BUT, I also lost 3.5 inches again. I'd rather see both numbers go down, but I can be happy this way. So this week changes it all. Hopefully I can talk in some laser tag with friends and family, I know next week is a big laser tag game with some girls I've met online in the area who are doing the same diet as me! I just need to fill up the rest of the 5 days with exercise and continue every week on that, and I should be good!

I leave you with the newest addition to my bedroom mirror - the saying that's been stuck in my head every time I just want to sit and watch TV at the end of my work day.

Do you have anything that gets you going when you feel you just can't do it? What are your tricks?

#2012Diet and Shaking it up

It's been a while since I last wrote about my diet and how it's going. Well I've made some bigger changes.

I'm going to start out by saying that I'm not trying to sell anybody on anything, I'm not stating to be an exercise, and what I'm doing is not for everyone... however, I am doing it. I have my reasons, and mine alone.

So after seeing some friends of mine have pretty big transformations in the course of a month on shakes called Body By Vi, I decided to give it a try.

I've previously (in high school) tried those meal supplement shakes that are always in the weight loss section of your grocery store. They never worked, of course I could never stand the taste of them either.

Well I'm giving it a better go this time around, with these shakes. I started on Wednesday the 15th. Today, at my one week check point I am down 3 lbs and 3.5 inches between my bust, waist and hips.

There are tons of recipes for the shakes, to make them taste better - and some of them (with tons of cream cheese) end up looking like more calories then a regular meal would be. I'm avoiding them and sticking with a variety of frozen fruit and milk.

I have a shake for breakfast and a shake for lunch. It ends up working well for me as those are my two most rushed meals. Considering my breakfast was usually McDonalds on the go, it's a much better alternative! My lunch was usually either fast food or oatmeal - on the fast food days its a big difference, not so much on the oatmeal days.

Typically my breakfast shake is frozen strawberries, 1% milk, and the powder. It's quite good. I have some frozen blueberries from my aunt that I'll be trying in there soon too! Lunch I make in the morning, and it's 1/2 Almond Milk 1/2 1% Milk then the powder and one scoop of hot chocolate mix (yeah I know, not super healthy...but it tastes good!).

Now i just need to encourage myself to have more exercise in my lifestyle. We got a dance game for the Kinect, and it's certainly a work out. When I get into it I can play for an hour and not realize the time is gone. However, it is really hard to get into it when my husband, mom, or roommate is watching. I refuse to do it, actually. when their around. So I don't get much exercise. My husband will usually whole up in the office and be good, mom's been gone, but the roommate seeing me dance and jiggle just creeps me right out.

So I'm going to try and do less obvious work outs. That means cleaning the garage (which is over stuffed and badly in need of organization) so I can get to our hidden exercise equipment, or make room for the elliptical trainer mom has at her husband's house.  I plan on doing a lot of things, though I know it's hard when the TV beckons at night.

Oh well it's all in the trying.

Another thing I have noticed after this change is that i have more energy in the morning. It still takes me a while to wake up, but I'm finding it a lot easier to wake up earlier. I'm also finding that once I'm awake I have the energy to do more.

No seriously, I'm doing dishes, taking the garbage out. It's like a miracle shake for mothers everywhere! Ha!

Well that's it for now. Hopefully next week has more numbers. I'm doing the 90 day challenge, so you'll be able to see me either transform myself, or fail. We will see.

Sketching

It's been a while since I sat and sketched, I haven't sat down and done it since we moved to our new house in August.

So last night was all about sketching. It nicely fit in with my nephew's upcoming birthday this Saturday, so why not try my hand at sketching someone I know. Strangers are easy to sketch, you don't have to make them look like themselves, you can just...take artistic license with them, when it's someone you know, the pressure is on!

So I have a ridiculously cute little nephew! He's got one of the most expressive faces! I figured, with such defined features, that this would be easy...yeah, not the case!

Here's my nephew:

And here are the sketches:

Even now, coming back and seeing them I am unsure of the likeness. I know it's him, but that's simply because I meant it to be.

It's the smallest things that seem to define a person. But looking at them, I can't pin point exactly what small change would transform these sketches from simple sketches that vaguely resemble my nephew, to sketches that capture him completely. 

The Stages of Painting

Recently I made a large 3 canvas painting for my sister in law. It's been quite popular as I've now made 3 in total (one smaller, on 2 canvases, and the next the same size). All of them are different, as can be expected when something is handmade.

The large scope of this painting (3 canvas combined at nearly 3m long!) meant that I had to paint fast as I work with acrylics (which dry faster then oils) so to blend my levels of color, I needed to be on the ball.

The effect works out well, as I have always been a fast painter, but it leaves me exhausted once I'm done the first layer.

So here's how it goes. To do something this big you need to set up the canvases. I learned from my 1st try at this painting and enlisted 3 easels instead of the two I was trying to get away with.

After that you can start painting!

I've got the base done (above). When doing something this big I forgo using my nice clean separated pallet and instead go for a big plastic plate. Since the colors are blending, I have to work from the first color (dark brown) and blend towards the beige in the middle. It's always worked better in my mind to just keep adding whatever I needed for each layer.  It always goes a whole lot faster.

When you are working as fast as I was, it tends to get messy as well! So be prepared, paint will fly!

After this I have to wait for it to dry then I can move on to the tree!

You start with the base, the main limbs as I view them. I love painting trees because of how organic the branches are (well that's an obvious statement!). Don't paint a tree perfectly straight. Trees bend, they buckle, the bulge. And where those bulges are there' usually a stick or a new branch, something growing out of it.

You just keep working bigger branch to smaller branch and so on and so forth. I find there's rarely a branch is naturally alone. it is always connected or connecting, moving to divide into 2 or 3 new branches!

The finishing touches are then added. For me, white flowers. I don't get too specific, when you look at a tree you're eyes will "assume" what they are seeing - if that makes sense. Things become an overall picture, try not to concentrate on ALL the detail, but rather do an overall, and add details as needed. It is often needed only a little bit.

I chose to do the flowers smaller on this one, though later I added large white flowers - still not as large as the first one I did.  Even when paintings are meant to look the same, they never do. It's too hard, each painting has a mind of it's own, it's tree (in this particular group of paintings) goes it's own way and flows it's branches out a different way.

Here's an example, the above is the last one I did. Below you will see the smaller piece I did, and then the first one I did. Each changes, but they are all meant to be one and the same.