Breaking down

I have a confession - I'm not handling things as well as I pretend I am.

I've concentrated on weight loss lately because, well, as I've eluded to, life isn't as peachy as I want it to be. No I'm not talking about with me and Andrew, we are, thankfully, the one steady amongst the uproar. But mom's diagnosis, and subsequent treatment has taken a toll on me.

I find myself expecting myself to be the strong one. I view myself as a logical, strong person - ergo my reactions to mom's cancer diagnosis should be such.

Guess what? I'm not all logic and smarts.

I've slowly come to the conclusion that I am holding way too much inside, but it all came crashing to me last night. Last night, which has continued on to today, has felt like one attack after another on me. It's not the case, but it feels that way.

Well let's give you the run down of all that has happened. Mom was diagnosed with Stage 3 Colon Cancer in Late November. Late December she was in surgery to have an ileostomy (a colostomy but for the end of the small intestine). This is so that during radiation and chemo, she wouldn't get blocked up - a potential hazard that could not be risked.

Chemo was exceptionally hard on mom, as it supposedly is on some people. She couldn't keep anything down and lost 15 lbs in the first week alone. It was hard to watch. Hard for me to sit and not be able to do anything.

Because of how low the tumor is we were all worried, her surgeon included, that she would not be able to be "hooked back up".

This past Wednesday, mom went in for surgery. When the surgeon came out he told us how in 3 months she should be able to be "hooked back up" once fully healed from the radiation. That there was a small tumor left (after radiation/chemo) and that they took it and will study it to see if any lymph-nodes are affected.

I started tearing up when he said this, but swallowed them back as to not step out of character. The surgeon went on, and my Aunt, who has been through this before, had all the right questions to ask that I never would have thought of. So much for the smarts portion of my act.

I've seen mom since, but because she is in a hospital 2 cities away, its not always easy for us to see her during the week  when we have to work - not including the price of fuel these days.

I saw her last night, and they were starting to take her epidural down - so she was starting to feel the pain of her surgery. She was snappy at me and Andrew. I understand why she was. I understand how frustrating, painful, tiring, and all other sorts of emotions I can't describe add up to the remarks about our useless conversaton about a table.

I had to step out. i couldn't handle it.

I'm going to admit here, what I have just been able to admit to myself. i'm going to tell it publicly so maybe some other person who thinks they are the rock, thinks their strong, and can handle it knows - you can't not all the way, and that's okay . 


I've felt such a need to curl up in a ball and cry this past week, it's almost overwhelming.

To be honest, I've felt like a failure. My sister, who I have always viewed as more emotional then me, has stepped in to be the rock mom has needed, she has been able to support her both emotionally and financially, where I have been unable. She is able to visit mom everyday, multiple times a day. I can't even make it out once a day sometimes. And when she does see mom, mom is happy to see her, despite the pain. She comes with the things mom needs, no attitude, and support - knowing what to talk about, what minute details have been going on in mom's recovery from the surgery.

So yeah, I've felt, in comparison, like a failure, like a fraud.

I am not able to be the rock. I am the youngest daughter of my mother, I think it's time I acknowledge that it's ok for me to, sometimes, be the baby.

I am terrified of losing my mother. I have been having dreams (in the past month now every night) that are almost nightmares, everyday life, without mom. I wake up feeling like I haven't slept at all. I pretend not to worry because I have to be confident that she will be fine, but I'm terrified. I know what can happen, I know what Stage 3 means, and I heard the doctor say what the chances are of it coming back afterwards. I know that, and I hope and pray to a god I didn't think i believed in, that she would and will be okay and will survive this.

I joke about how mom has to raise my kids for me - to be honest I don't know how I could do it if she wasn't there. But that's another thing I'm a failure for too - a double edge on that one, I'm a failure for not providing her with another grandchild, being unable too even when that was the first thing she asked me when she came out of the first surgery.

I'm scared of things I can't put to words. I'm scared of what could happen, what has happened, what that means for me and everyone in my family. And everynight I live a nightmare where she's not here. Everyday I pretend that I'm okay, that this is just routine and that mom will be fine. I've stuck my head halfway in the sand.

I pretended I could handle it. I haven't slept well for a month at least. My work, my hobbies, my life has reacted accordingly to that. I am over emotional, I'm depressed when i stop pretending, I'm fighting more with those around me, and dammit I'm starting to hate myself for being that failure.


So to those who think they can handle it. Don't. Give up your pride and let yourself feel when those supporting arms come around you. Break down every once in a while, otherwise you'll breakdown when you're needed - when your mother is sitting in pain, crying, and trying to eat. You'll break down like I did and have to leave, and feel oh so ashamed and a level of self loathing never felt before.

Upheaval

Upon demands from one of my favorite bloggers, ex-roommate, DIY-er extraordinaire and general awesome person over at Hello Little Deer an update is very well warranted!

I've found myself struggling a bit with this new diet. The shakes are fine, and work quite well with my morning and afternoon routines..but the exercise, OH the exercise! The only free time I have is either when I am sleeping or after work - neither of those times do I feel very up for it.

I've committed myself to some pre-arranged dates for "fun" exercise. What I mean by fun is, of course, actual fun. Yep - laser tag, sampler fitness days run by my local community centre, fitness classes that are either dancing, or drumming, or something else in there to make it fun. But those are all in the future... I need something NOW!

I've complained before, and will again, about how much lack of enthusiasm I have for working out. I don't actually mind sitting on a treadmill, after I warm up I get into a bit of a competition with myself. I hate running outside, I originally thought, when walking the dog, that I could do that fine...but honestly he messed up my pace. heh.

I also have to admit that my life is in some upheaval. With mom's diagnosis of cancer, the subsequent treatments, and tests it's been a bit hard to get our schedules under control. I'm not blaming mom, she's now waiting for her surgery and detoxing from the radiation and chemo, so is back home and making dinners and home life is returning to normal. I've just found it hard to deal, whether coming to terms with her diagnosis, my inability to solve or help her, and more my inability to care for her - financial, emotionally, mentally... in the beginning I felt I could do it, but as others have stepped up I have felt my own inadequacies. 

The one thing I have noticed, now that normalcy is coming back, is how out of control my life gets when we're in upheaval. Not just what's in upheaval is out of control. ALL OF IT! Bills, food, exercise, hell even my moods, hobbies, etc. I haven't painted since January when mom started her treatment. It's not that I haven't felt the need, I have sketched and have been playing with a few sexy images to put down on chalk and charcoal....but it was as if i was too scared to actually do anything, as if living a normal life while mom was going through this was sacrilege.

So I've sat here planning, talking the talk, but not walking the walk.

It's easy to say money is the problem, can't afford the gym pass we want, can't afford this and that-  but that's bullshit! Honestly! We have some (somewhat ancient) exercise machines in the garage! If we could just get our asses in gear to clear out the space we need to use it, it would be perfect. And that would be another exercise too, cleaning out the garage!

Since I'm on the subject of upheaval in our lives the next one is me. I have been up heaving it. I would never consider myself to have itchy feet, or whatever it's called when you want to move all the time...but I find lately I've had that. Maybe it's an urge to escape the above mentioned upheaval in my life, maybe. I think it's more that I have found myself taking stock of where and what we are doing. I am 24, my husband is 23...I expected us, at this age, to be farther along. I expected Andrew and I to have  better careers, for me to be expecting our first child, to be owning our own home - something in there... and yet that's not reality.

We have talked and set in motion what we can, but there are things - like owning our own home, that just seem so impossible from where we are. I know it is, I have friends who do, and at younger ages then I...but for us, and our debts, it seems a pipe dream. The only solace I have is in the belief that jobs or work up north will somehow solve this problem. There were higher wages that are geared towards the high living cost, unlike here in the lower mainland where even earning nearly 30k you can't afford to live alone with any comfort. "Up North" has become a dream for me as well  - the answer to all that I view is incomplete in our life right now. But i think both Andrew and I are a bit scared - what if this dream is just that, and reality doesn't clear away these itchy feet, solve our problems, etc. I am lucky as I have an amazing husband who has and does entertain these ideas and even starts the motion towards them.

So now, as I mentioned before, with normalcy coming back down to us, I'm taking stock once more. I'm trying, very hard, to see the silver lining, or the light at the end of the tunnel here.

And I have to say, as the normalcy is coming back I've felt myself sinking back into my own skin. I am able to view the problems as today and try and find their solution, not just dream of a solution far away. I'm getting back to me.

And just in case you were wondering - though I'm not eating as healthy nor exercising as much as I would like the diet is still going well. last week I spent most of my time snacking on chips. Horrible! And I ended up gaining back the 3 lbs I lost the week before. BUT, I also lost 3.5 inches again. I'd rather see both numbers go down, but I can be happy this way. So this week changes it all. Hopefully I can talk in some laser tag with friends and family, I know next week is a big laser tag game with some girls I've met online in the area who are doing the same diet as me! I just need to fill up the rest of the 5 days with exercise and continue every week on that, and I should be good!

I leave you with the newest addition to my bedroom mirror - the saying that's been stuck in my head every time I just want to sit and watch TV at the end of my work day.

Do you have anything that gets you going when you feel you just can't do it? What are your tricks?