I've found myself struggling a bit with this new diet. The shakes are fine, and work quite well with my morning and afternoon routines..but the exercise, OH the exercise! The only free time I have is either when I am sleeping or after work - neither of those times do I feel very up for it.
I've committed myself to some pre-arranged dates for "fun" exercise. What I mean by fun is, of course, actual fun. Yep - laser tag, sampler fitness days run by my local community centre, fitness classes that are either dancing, or drumming, or something else in there to make it fun. But those are all in the future... I need something NOW!
I've complained before, and will again, about how much lack of enthusiasm I have for working out. I don't actually mind sitting on a treadmill, after I warm up I get into a bit of a competition with myself. I hate running outside, I originally thought, when walking the dog, that I could do that fine...but honestly he messed up my pace. heh.
I also have to admit that my life is in some upheaval. With mom's diagnosis of cancer, the subsequent treatments, and tests it's been a bit hard to get our schedules under control. I'm not blaming mom, she's now waiting for her surgery and detoxing from the radiation and chemo, so is back home and making dinners and home life is returning to normal. I've just found it hard to deal, whether coming to terms with her diagnosis, my inability to solve or help her, and more my inability to care for her - financial, emotionally, mentally... in the beginning I felt I could do it, but as others have stepped up I have felt my own inadequacies.
The one thing I have noticed, now that normalcy is coming back, is how out of control my life gets when we're in upheaval. Not just what's in upheaval is out of control. ALL OF IT! Bills, food, exercise, hell even my moods, hobbies, etc. I haven't painted since January when mom started her treatment. It's not that I haven't felt the need, I have sketched and have been playing with a few sexy images to put down on chalk and charcoal....but it was as if i was too scared to actually do anything, as if living a normal life while mom was going through this was sacrilege.
So I've sat here planning, talking the talk, but not walking the walk.
It's easy to say money is the problem, can't afford the gym pass we want, can't afford this and that- but that's bullshit! Honestly! We have some (somewhat ancient) exercise machines in the garage! If we could just get our asses in gear to clear out the space we need to use it, it would be perfect. And that would be another exercise too, cleaning out the garage!
Since I'm on the subject of upheaval in our lives the next one is me. I have been up heaving it. I would never consider myself to have itchy feet, or whatever it's called when you want to move all the time...but I find lately I've had that. Maybe it's an urge to escape the above mentioned upheaval in my life, maybe. I think it's more that I have found myself taking stock of where and what we are doing. I am 24, my husband is 23...I expected us, at this age, to be farther along. I expected Andrew and I to have better careers, for me to be expecting our first child, to be owning our own home - something in there... and yet that's not reality.
We have talked and set in motion what we can, but there are things - like owning our own home, that just seem so impossible from where we are. I know it is, I have friends who do, and at younger ages then I...but for us, and our debts, it seems a pipe dream. The only solace I have is in the belief that jobs or work up north will somehow solve this problem. There were higher wages that are geared towards the high living cost, unlike here in the lower mainland where even earning nearly 30k you can't afford to live alone with any comfort. "Up North" has become a dream for me as well - the answer to all that I view is incomplete in our life right now. But i think both Andrew and I are a bit scared - what if this dream is just that, and reality doesn't clear away these itchy feet, solve our problems, etc. I am lucky as I have an amazing husband who has and does entertain these ideas and even starts the motion towards them.
So now, as I mentioned before, with normalcy coming back down to us, I'm taking stock once more. I'm trying, very hard, to see the silver lining, or the light at the end of the tunnel here.
And I have to say, as the normalcy is coming back I've felt myself sinking back into my own skin. I am able to view the problems as today and try and find their solution, not just dream of a solution far away. I'm getting back to me.
And just in case you were wondering - though I'm not eating as healthy nor exercising as much as I would like the diet is still going well. last week I spent most of my time snacking on chips. Horrible! And I ended up gaining back the 3 lbs I lost the week before. BUT, I also lost 3.5 inches again. I'd rather see both numbers go down, but I can be happy this way. So this week changes it all. Hopefully I can talk in some laser tag with friends and family, I know next week is a big laser tag game with some girls I've met online in the area who are doing the same diet as me! I just need to fill up the rest of the 5 days with exercise and continue every week on that, and I should be good!
I leave you with the newest addition to my bedroom mirror - the saying that's been stuck in my head every time I just want to sit and watch TV at the end of my work day.
3 comments:
owning your own home isn't far off, you just need to figure out a budget and a plan. we wrote all of our bills down on the calendar, wrote a budget for each month (i generally write the next months budget, the month before) what isn't put to bills should go on your debt and in to a savings. start both at the same time. that's what we did, and now we own a home!
in terms of exercise, i don't do that anymore. i'm not allowed to with my back injury, but when i was and my dad was sick, i found that to actually be one of the best releases. i hated the idea of running outside, but running outside was the one time of day where i would literally think abut nothing.. you can't think about problems when you're running, you're concentrated on your breath and your step. give it a try, you might be like me and realize it's actually your passion.
I would love to be one of those people who run down sthe street and just keep going. The problem is I can't control my pace that well...I found the treadmill MADE me slow down v. sprinting.
I'm hoping that we'll be able to own our house in the next couple years. Now that I'm settling back down we're taking care of some debts and I'm feeling a bit better. Also, Andrew's looking at some extra training, I'm really hoping he goes for it, afterwards it would make a huge increase in how much he makes, and his confidence I think.
I want to address your comment about not painting.
YOU HAVE TO PAINT. Or Draw. Or Knit. Or do underwater basketweaving. SOMETHING. But when your life is this crazed and the demands on your time and emotions are this great, it is absolutely CRITICAL that you spend time doing something just for you. Something that gives you pleasure. Go window shopping or to the museum or sit in a park or something. But you have to do it, and you have to do it with some regularity, otherwise you'll lose your freakin' mind.
With me it's my knitting and my knitting group. While I do knit all the time, mom and I know it's important that I get out of the house and away from her and do something just for me. So every Tuesday and most Thursday nights I go hang out with my knitting groups and just talk about everything and take that time to decompress.
Yes, when there's something important or when mom's really sick I can skip it, but we both feel that it's really important for me to do this, because it's going to keep me sane, and also not feel so burdened. Strong language, but it's keeping me from burning out, so to speak. And just getting away for those few hours a week helps me keep my sanity on The Bad Days, and keeps me from resenting helping her.
Makes sense?
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